New York - The NASDAQ and NYSE both closed at noon on Thursday to give surprised employees an extra long Memorial Day weekend. After the weather forecast predicted a clear, warm holiday, the boards at both exchanges realized that by giving their employees and traders an extra day and a half they would greatly cut the chances of anyone getting stuck in long traffic jams.

The rest of the country rapidly experienced gross economic inefficiencies once the glue that holds the economy together disbanded midweek. We were unable to track down any inside sources for comments, as everyone was already on their way to the Hamptons or Martha’s Vineyard.